Before my kids, I don’t think I knew what anxiety truly meant. How hard could life be? How much stress would kids possibly bring to my life? Moms can handle anything, right? While we might all look like we have it all put together and figured out, many of us are dealing with a lot more than you see on the outside.
Anxiety is one of the many emotions a mother deals with, let alone an autism mom. Now add to that autism mom a child that has multiple diagnoses. How about an autism mom who also has multiple children, multiple disabilities, a medical diagnosis and her own diagnosis, divorced, unemployed, or just trying to figure out how to make ends meet?! How can a mother handle all this stress without having a meltdown? Anxiety is bound to occur!
Anxiety and fear can both be used interchangeably, but anxiety involves more of a future, long-acting response; while fear is a present, short-lived response to a specific threat. These definitions were adapted from the APA Dictionary of Psychology, updated version 04/19/2018 and the Encyclopedia of Psychology published in March 2000.
They say you never understand certain things in life until you have children of your own. There’s some truth to that statement. However, I believe there are even more things you don’t understand until you have a child with special needs.
I’ll never forget the number of times I passed judgment on that mom in the grocery store trying to pick her child up from the middle of the aisle who is screaming and kicking her.
That child I saw on a toddler leash, thinking to myself, can‘t you control your kid without that?
The kid screaming and biting their mom in the middle of a trampoline park while the mom was just standing there crying, looking helpless.
The mother on the airplane with her screaming child that wouldn’t stop for a total of 5 hours.
Watching a kid eat nothing but bags of chips, wondering is that all you feed him?
To all those moms I passed judgment on, “I’m sorry!”
Motherhood for me started with raising two boys. Both of which have their own struggles and challenges. However, neither of my boys were on the autism spectrum. Needless to say, I thought by child three I’d have it all figured out.
Hahaha
That’s what I thought.
My daughter had other plans for me.
I finally understood what those other moms were going through after…
The day I ended up in the grocery store trying to get her out peacefully without breaking everything on the shelf as we tried to get out.
Or
The day I was in the middle of a water park and my daughter bit my arm so hard that it swelled up like a baseball and I dropped to the ground crying uncontrollably because I couldn’t calm her down.
Or
The countless days that I spent trying to get my daughter to sleep more than 3 hours at a time.
Or
Watching her struggle to communicate with words. Therefore, spending hours on end crying uncontrollably because no one can understand what she’s trying to tell us.
Or
Struggling to find more than five foods that she will eat. Stressing about her nutritional intake and her weight.
This list keeps going. Every day she reminds me that I don’t have it all figured out. My stress levels have never been higher. Is it anxiety? Is it stress? Is it fear? Is it depression? Is it just worry? Could it be all of these? Honestly, I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety, but I can tell you I’ve felt a great deal of emotions. Motherhood brings out the best and worst feelings! As I recently told my oldest son, “Fear will never leave my heart, son. I’ll always worry about each of my children.” Having a child with special needs brings another level of fear and worry.
My advice to other autism moms?
Do your best to recognize your emotions.
Give yourself time to process what you are going through.
Find someone to talk to. A therapist, close friend or family member, or another autism mom.
Understand that your feelings are valid.
Give yourself the self-care you deserve for your mental health.
Anxiety is not uncommon in autism moms, so learn to find ways that work for you in controlling your anxiety levels. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you can’t control it.
Autism can bring many emotions and struggles to your life. UC San Francisco researchers found in a study published August 26, 2022 in “Family Process,” that about 50% of women with children on the autism spectrum were dealing with elevated depressive symptoms. Much lower than that of mothers with neurotypical children, which was reported at between 6% and 13.6%.
With that being said…
You are not alone in this journey.
You ARE stronger than you think!
And
You WILL make it through.
Your blogs have been amazing!