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Grief.
Uncertainty about the future.
Shattered dreams.
Legal battles.
Financial struggles.
Societal judgments.
Emotional exhaustion.
Mood swings.
Depression.
Anxiety.
Relief.
Is it divorce or an autism diagnosis? Or both? All of these are feelings and challenges we go through when we get the autism diagnosis for our child. Coincidentally, these feelings also arise while going through a divorce.
Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person goes through in life. That journey often includes untangling shared lives, emotions, and dreams.
A diagnosis of autism is also a very emotionally challenging experience for the child and the family. Leaving you with feelings like shock, confusion, grief, fear, frustration, guilt, relief (at finally having an explanation), and uncertainty about the future.
Divorce rates are already sitting at a rate of 42%, but what does that look like when you throw autism or a special needs child or children into the picture? It’s believed that as many as 82% of marriages with special needs children will end in divorce. Fighting against those odds seems impossible. Why does this percentage sit so high? Is there anything we can do to prevent it? How do we manage a life with autism when the inevitable happens? When you feel like your world is crashing down on you, how do you pick up the pieces and move past separation or divorce so you can give your child the best possible life?
While I haven’t walked down “divorce lane,” I do understand the struggles of keeping your marriage intact while parenting an autistic child. With all the extra stress amongst parents, it’s hard to stay connected. That stress we feel as parents will often be reflected on each other. An argument over whether our child is “actually” autistic or a fight about how to discipline our autistic child. Just arguing over nothing at all because no one has gotten any sleep due to our child keeping us up for 24 hours after an already exhausting day at work. Trying to keep your marriage going seems impossible and can take a lot of work and dedication. Despite all the work and dedication, it’s inevitable sometimes. You find that your only option is to divorce. Remember, IT IS OK TO DIVORCE. Not everyone is meant to stick together. Most moms will struggle with the thought of how the divorce will affect their child. The challenges of change in routine, the back and forth between houses, different rules or structures, and simply just not having that safety net they’ve always had from being in the same household. While I’m sure it can be a hard adjustment for everyone, do your best to stay strong and believe that happiness can be the reason your child will thrive. As a parent, you know what’s best, so keep doing what you believe and everything will fall into place.
Navigating autism after divorce is possible. Let’s start with the child’s struggles of communication, extra whining and crying, endless meltdowns, as well as lack of sleep (for everyone). Now we add a mixture of extra therapy appointments, maybe even some denial of a diagnosis from one parent, the tension from work, added alcoholism, no alone time, as well as financial burdens. I’m sure all of these things are a constant battle after a divorce. The importance of having the same parenting goals and strategies plays a huge role in working together. Working as a team along with routine and structure are necessary for our autistic child. While we all know this may not always work as planned, find what works best and what is “realistic” in your situation.
A few tips to consider if you are struggling after your divorce that might help you or your child:
Routine. Make a new routine, and try to stick to it the best you can.
Seek counseling. You or your child might benefit from finding a therapist in your area to help you through the mental challenges.
Attend as many of your child’s therapies or school meetings as you can. This can help you understand how your child is adjusting to the divorce.
Mediation. You and your ex may benefit if you are struggling to come to agreements on your child’s needs.
Be patient. Remember, patience is key for your autistic child and their behavior. Give it time.
Self-care. Most importantly, give yourself the space and time needed to do your OWN self-care! Whatever that might look like!
What were your biggest challenges in your divorce and how did you work past them?
Very good read 😊